Wedding Etiquette Q&A – Wedding Advice from Expert Jodi Smith

Q: My fiancé and I are thrilled to be getting married. We have been out in the working world for years and already have established a home together. Instead of including registry information to our guests, we would like to include a little card that says something about no-gifts. What do you suggest for wording?

A: First, please allow me congratulate you on your upcoming wedding! And I am very impressed that you are focused on the occasion, not on the gifts. There are quite a few etiquette guidelines that come into play here. I will lay them out for you, then you can decide how best to proceed. Typically, your invitations are sent out. Guests are so pleased about the happy occasion; they want to give a gift to help celebrate. Brides and grooms are pleasantly surprised that their guests wish to bestow a gift upon them. In an effort to make the gift selection easier, some brides and grooms will register at a store/website in advance of the wedding. The registry information is given by those involved in the wedding only to those guests who specifically request it. (i.e. Registry cards are NOT included with the invitation as that would been seen as a way of strong-arming guests into giving gifts.) When receiving any gifts, from the registry or not, brides and grooms are so thrilled that they pull out their pens and write a thank-you note to the giver.

I know you are thinking, “But I asked about NOT receiving gifts!” The no-gift guidelines mirror the gift guidelines. You would never be so presumptuous as to assume all of your guests cannot wait to run out and purchase a gift for you. Therefore you would not include a note about no-gifts with the invitation. However, as you receive the responses to the wedding, you (or your fiancé, or your mother, or your maid of honor) would let the guest know that for this occasion, their presence is more than enough.

Please keep in mind, that most mannerly people will not let a little thing like “no-gifts please” stop them. It is said that giving a gift is just as much for the giver as for the receiver. When invited to a happy occasion, most people do want to add to the festivities by contributing a small token of their esteem for the honored guest(s). With that said, you and your fiancé may wish to consider a favorite charity so that if the guest insists on honoring you, they can make a donation to your favorite organization. The information about where you prefer donations will be shared in the same way described above. With all of that said, do not be surprised if you still do receive gifts. In my experience, I have found that people are very generous.

Q: I have a question regarding wedding gifts. I am invited to a wedding of a friend from college that I haven’t been close with in over 5 years. I am bringing a date to the wedding and wondering what is an appropriate amount to give as a gift? Please advise.

A: Wedding gifts (like all other gifts) are dependent upon both your budget and your relationship with the person. If you are 5 years out of school, the range is between $50 -$75 for a wedding with a date. After that, the going rate is between $100 – $150 when attending a wedding with a date. Keep in mind, these are ranges. If you are doing well, you would give more. If you are on a budget, you would give less. You might want to review their registries and pick something in the mid-point range.

Q: First of all, this website has been incredibly informative. I am about to be a second-time bride. I have a question for you. I have three sons (ages 24, 21, 21). Would it be appropriate for all three of my boys to give me away, as I’m not sure how I could choose. Your response to this question would be greatly appreciated.

A: Hello and congratulations! Going on the little information you provided, I would recommend three options:

The twins at the alter as attendants and the older son walk you down the aisle.
The older son as the attendant at the alter and the two 21 year olds on either side of you as you walk the aisle.
All three waiting at the alter as attendants.

Please keep in mind that there are many honors within each wedding, from readings, to solos, which you can bestow as appropriate.

Jodi R. R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to email her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com