Bruce Hayes

Let me begin by saying I am not a professional event planner. However, I have extensive experience that’ll help you plan a wedding your friends will envy. There are several reasons why I think I can help.

Professionally, I am a project manager specializing in IT projects. I’ve been responsible for budgets ranging from tens of thousands of dollars, to over a million dollars. I have a real knack for cutting costs – and who doesn’t like to save money? I’ve consistently ensured on-time delivery of projects within tight deadlines. I’ve negotiated contracts and written organizational by-laws so I know what think about before you sign an agreement (and that you must have a written agreement).

I have more than a decade in the Food and Beverage Service industry. I’ve worked as everything from dishwasher to manager but have most of my experience in fine dining food service. From private homes and restaurants to country clubs and convention centers, I know what’s possible, what’s practical, and what it should cost.

I have extensive experience as a volunteer event planner. I’ve planned company bus trips to ski resorts, a children’s Easter party at the roller rink, casino night for hundreds of guests (including working through the legal issues surrounding gambling, to training the dealers), and onsite and offsite, multi-day computer business seminars.

What’s the biggest party I’ve worked on? I chair an all volunteer board of directors who put together a two-day historical reenactment event that is literally attended by hundreds of thousands of people. This festival is consistently voted as the community’s favorite event (and we have lots of competition).

I’m fairly well traveled so I understand differences between people. After all, what works on the West Coast doesn’t always “play in Peoria”. While your wedding is your day, any gracious host considers the comfort of his or her guests. I hope to be able to help you with the issues unique to your wedding event.

Walking Down the Aisle (or not)

Posted by Bruce Hayes on March 2, 2010

Photo Credit: MGM MIRAGE

Wedding tradition dictates that the groom enters from the right and waits for the bride to walk down the aisle with her father. However, tradition is malleable. Etiquette changes to conform to social norms (but it does take a little time). This is why today it’s also acceptable for the groom to walk down the aisle and wait for the bride to follow.

Where do we turn when the rules of etiquette haven’t quite caught up with current social circumstances? Who walks down the aisle if we have two brides? If we have two grooms do they both enter from the right? How do we balance our guest’s expectations of tradition with the unique needs of our weddings?

Photo Credit: All My Children

Two Brides
Most guests expect to stand, turn, and see the bride enter and walk down the aisle. So why not give them what they’re looking for? It’s your day and there’s no better way to make an entrance than to do so when all eyes are upon you! First one, then the other. Pace your music so the second bride’s entrance doesn’t begin until the first bride is in position. This gives your guests a moment to regroup before they turn around for the second bride. If you’re going for traditional music, you might want to repeat “The Wedding March” clearly signaling a second entrance. If you have opted for some other musical selection, make sure it signals that the second bride is about to enter. If your music doesn’t lend itself to this treatment, then you may want to have someone simply announce the entrance of each bride. You want your guests to know when to turn and have their cameras ready!

If one if you is going to be escorted by your father (or mother, or both parents) and “given away” but the other is not, it makes sense the bride being escorted goes second (otherwise to whom is Dad “giving away” his daughter?) Here, I really must take a moment to editorialize. Since this tradition goes back to times when women were considered possessions, isn’t it time to be escorted – but not “given” away? This tradition, today, has come to signify the parent “letting go” of their child who is getting married. This may be a significant ritual, for both you and your parent, that you would like to include in the ceremony. I just ask that you consider the origins when titling this ritual as being either escorted or given away.

If both of you are being “given away,” or neither of you are then just decide what order you’re going down the aisle. Alphabetical order seems straight-forward enough. You could also start with the bride who will be standing on the left (since we read from left to right). Another good way to decide is to keep the order in which your names appeared on the wedding invitations. After all, you may have had your reasons for the sequence of the names on your invitation – let this decision carry through to the ceremony. Following the invitation’s sequence helps to build repetition and you never go wrong with consistency.

Since it’s your wedding and you should do it your way, if one of you wants to enter from the side and wait for the other to walk down the aisle, then do it! But, before you do, remember that walk down the aisle is your chance to shine like a star.

If you’re keeping with tradition … since you’re not yet “united”, you may not care for the last option which is to enter together and walk down the aisle together. However, if you do like that option – then make your wedding the way you want it to be.

Photo Credit: Duback/AP

Two Grooms
Entering from the right might be right for you if the groom standing to the left wants to walk down the aisle but the groom on the right does not. This is something your guests are accustomed to experiencing at other weddings.

If both of you really dislike the idea of walking down the aisle (it may seem too effeminate for your comfort) then enter from the sides. That’s right, just as one groom enters from the right, the other groom can enter from the left. You can enter simultaneously, or sequentially, whatever best fits the pacing of the music you’ve chosen for your processional. This keeps a symmetrical, and yet masculine, appearance. Make sure the music signals the entrance (or entrances). When we hear “The Wedding March”, most think “here comes the bride!” You don’t want your entrance(s) to be missed because your aunt was looking for a hanky in her purse. If a musical cue doesn’t fit your plans, you can simply have your names announced as you enter.

In my opinion, the best entrance is one that is as special as possible. Each of you can walk down the aisle. Grooms in traditional (mixed-sex) ceremonies do it all the time. So why not take turns being escorted by your parents (or father or mother)? Or walk with your Best Man. If you’re really confident, you can make that walk alone. Walking down the aisle gives you the best chance to be seen, and to see the faces of those who have come to see your wedding. It’s also one of the best photo ops for your guests.

Again, it’s your wedding and if you want to enter together and walk down the aisle together then do it your way. I just think the ceremony of uniting two individuals should start with individual entrances followed by a united exit together after the ceremony.

In conclusion (and in exiting)
No matter where each of you enters, you want your guests to know an entrance is being made. If they have to look around for you, they’ll find you as long as they know you’re coming. Music is the least intrusive way to notify your guests but an announcement is preferable to nothing.

Let’s remember the basic rule for weddings when social etiquette hasn’t established the standard – if the practice doesn’t detract from the purpose of the ceremony, and it feels right to both of you – then it’s the right way for your wedding.

Filed under: Our Brides & Grooms, Planning & Resources

March 2, 2010 by Bruce Hayes

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Planning for the “Unplannable”

Posted by Bruce Hayes on October 15, 2009

Wedding Plans to Keep Your Guests Surprised

No matter how much time you have to plan your big day, the event is so big you probably could use even more time. No matter how well you micro-manage every detail, some particulars may be missed. No matter how much money you have to pay someone else to deal with the problems, not all problems can be sub-contracted away.

Every book on planning a wedding gives advice about how to respond to the unexpected situations which will inevitably arise. Of course, the first thing to do when “an emergency” occurs (or something planned does not come about as planned) is to keep your cool. Remember the purpose of your event is to be united with the one you love. As long as that happens – the rest is “just gravy”.

Photo credit: Upload.Wikimedia.org

One little event planning secret I’d like to share with you must be kept a secret. You might want to remember this secret tip in the future because it works for everything from weddings to small dinner parties. What’s the elusive secret advice I give to any host/hostess? Keep your plans a secret.

Photo credit: Helyn.com

Imagine you’re planning a birthday party for a child. You want everyone to be there so you tell everyone in the neighborhood there will be cake and clowns. You even audition several local clowns and find the perfect match for the party. Keeping the theme going, you find the perfect invitations with a smiling clown face on the cover! This little reveal will help ensure your child’s party is going to be the best birthday party on the block, and everyone invited is going to be there, right? Right.

It sounds logical but . . . what if? What if the clown is sick that day? Even if you hired a clown who has a back-up plan – what if the back-up plans fail? Then all the neighborhood children are going to be very disappointed they went to the birthday party and the clown wasn’t there. Days latter some may still be disappointed they didn’t get to see the clown. All the wonderful things that happened at the birthday party will be overshadowed by the perception of “what might have been”.

Now, what if no one knew the party was supposed to have a clown? I’ll tell you what happens – the guests all have a great time at a great party. Sure, behind the scenes, you’re fretting about the failed plans, the failed back-up plans, and how you’re going to keep the kids entertained (how about a game of tag?). Meanwhile the guests leave thinking the game of tag was “a blast” and the clowns on the invitations “were adorable!”

It’s normal to be excited about planning your wedding – you should be excited about planning such an important event! You’ll be spending so much time and energy “living and breathing” your wedding plans; it’s natural to want to let everyone know about your preparations. When you do, just give a status report such as “everything’s on track” or “we’re working through some scheduling problems”, etc. There’s more to you than the wedding so don’t be obsessive when talking about the planning.

You can’t keep every one of your wedding plans a secret from everyone, nor should you. When things go awry, you’ll need a close friend to lean upon. Even if they aren’t helping with your back-up plans, your confidant will be able to alleviate some of your frustration just by being able to listen to you.

As for the majority of your guests – let as many elements of your wedding be a surprise as is possible. If everything goes according to plan, they’ll be delighted they were invited and enchanted with your event. But if something you planned doesn’t happen, or doesn’t workout the way you wanted, rather than feel cheated by the thing they missed – your guests will still be delighted they were invited!

Filed under: Our Brides & Grooms, Planning & Resources

October 15, 2009 by Bruce Hayes

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Same-Sex Wedding Invitation Etiquette

Posted by Bruce Hayes on September 10, 2009

Two brides or two groom – whose name goes first?

When preparing wedding invitations or announcements, there are a myriad of books available giving the correct protocol for which names appear, and in what order on an invitation. Fortunately modern social etiquette does recognize the times and provides “rules” and standards for situations including divorced/remarried parents, the couple hosting the wedding themselves, and other non-traditional situations. These old stand-bys are applicable to same sex-couples because part of the purpose of the invitation is to inform your guests who’s hosting (a.k.a. honoring your commitment or, paying for) the ceremony.

But what about two grooms or two brides? Which name should be listed first on the invitation? Do we list them alphabetically, eldest first, “fem” then “butch” or “butch” then “fem”? This is an area where the etiquette books haven’t caught up with the reality of the times – yet. So what are we to do today?

Photo Credit: OutVite.com

Let’s go back to the first rule of planning your wedding. That rule is; make it your wedding. In other words, decide what you’re going to do and just do it. While there isn’t a wrong way, there are a few things to consider when deciding upon your way.

I’m thinking, the Butch/Fem placement (e.g. the traditional female role is listed first and the traditionally male role is listed second) is a very poor choice. Why do I feel so strongly about nixing this option? I say so because it perpetuates archaic stereotypes. Since many of your guests may be attending their first (and perhaps only) same-sex wedding in their lives, why feed the myths? In today’s society none of us (including heterosexual couples) gets the ease of saying “housekeeping is women’s work”, or should be allowed to think the “man” should mow the lawn and take out the trash.

Photo Credit: OutVite.com

Relationships may be easier that way (well, at least assigning duties would be easier) but today, every couple has to create their own division of responsibilities. Notice I didn’t say “roles” because the thought process may linger on but this way of living died out after the fifties when two incomes were needed in order to make ends meet. It’s fine if one of you wants to do all of the housework and the other wants to do all of the yard work but, the two of you must share all of the responsibilities and decide how you want to do things. If one of you likes to do something the other hates to do – that’s pretty easy to decide who does it. What both of you like to do a task (or hate the task)? Then it should be shared (perhaps taking turns each week, doing it together every time, having the one who does it best do it, dividing the work by the amount of time it takes to complete, et cetera). This may seem to be off topic but what I’m trying to say is there isn’t a neat and tidy dividing line here. While social norms may not have caught up with the times, we should strive to move forward, rather than rest upon traditions that no longer fit the times nor our lives.

If “girl on the left and boy on the right” isn’t right then what about a rule that says the eldest is listed second (or first)? While this approach is very neat and tidy to apply, it discloses some personal information which may be considered to be private. Is it anyone’s business how old you are? If so, then tell them but to allow others to infer your fiancé’s age by reading a wedding invitation – isn’t the right way to share such information (even if you are willing to share the information).

Photo Credit: OutVite.com

Another neat and tidy way to decide whose name is listed first is the classic alphabetical order (by last name). This method is pretty straightforward – any observant individual can see the rank ordering of the names. Be aware though, that as easy as this is to see, some people are going to infer (either jokingly or unconsciously) this order denotes which role you two “play”. Until society can get past the stereotypical masculine and feminine roles in a relationship, we’ll have to acknowledge this may happen which leads us to the option I prefer for today’s same-sex weddings.

Remember the penultimate rule of your wedding planning – that is to make it your ceremony. In other words, just decide what you’re going to do and then just stick with it. At this time there isn’t a right or wrong way to list the names on a same-sex couple’s wedding invitation. Personally, I prefer the alphabetical order (by last name) method. My fiancé prefers alphabetical order – by first name. He truly feels this is the correct way. Perhaps it is because his name already appeared in the second position when he married a woman? It’s important to think what difference it makes to your wedding and your guests.

In short, until social practice dictates proper etiquette, the order of the names doesn’t matter much at all. And the way I see it, if I’m willing to compromise on the alphabetical order of our names, he’ll be more likely to compromise on something important to me. [But don’t tell him!]

Image Credits: OutVite.com

Filed under: Our Brides & Grooms, Tips and Tricks

September 10, 2009 by Bruce Hayes

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Your Own Unique Ceremony

Posted by Bruce Hayes on September 3, 2009

Everyone knows your wedding should be your own unique ceremony but how do you balance non-traditional with respectful? Let’s work through the issues faced by unique ceremonies. If you’re looking for advice concerning any non-traditional aspect of your wedding day, this is the place to get a tasteful opinion so you can make the choice that’s right for your big day. If you have two brides, who walks down the aisle? If you have two grooms, who stands on the left? Trying to incorporate Neo-Pagan rites without scaring your traditional Christian family? Let’s take on the questions the etiquette books haven’t gotten around to answering yet!

Photo Credit: Flypaper.bluefly.com

I’m a middle-aged gay male living in the Midwest. My partner of five years, and I are ready for our wedding but it’s on hold at this time. Why is that? And if I haven’t married, what makes me think I can help you plan your wedding? That’s easy.

We have been planning how to make our wedding into our wedding. For example, one of our requirements for our day is legal recognition. My fiancé is an attorney so we’ve already signed the living wills, advance directives, power of attorney documents, and are as legal as we can be in Indiana. Still, we want a legally recognized acknowledgement of our commitment to love each other. That led us to a Destination Wedding. With family and friends living in the Southwest, exciting San Diego seemed to be the right spot. We selected a venue set the date and continued the planning. No matter how much you plan, remember not everything is within your control. Then we found ourselves unable to get the wedding we wanted, where we wanted it. Yes, there are other states where we can be wed but at this time none of these options feel “just right” for us. Since our wedding is going to be our wedding, we’re patiently waiting for the right place.

Photo credit: Zimbio.com

Although we’re in a holding pattern – that doesn’t mean the wedding planning (and revisions) isn’t well underway (are wedding plans ever really finalized?). Having worked through many of the unique aspects of a same-sex ceremony, balancing religious differences (including those of our guests), and incorporating desired multi-cultural rituals, I think I can help you make your unusual wedding your unique ceremony without undermining the true meaning of the ceremony. At the end of the day, you want your family and friends to celebrate your public declaration of your love, without feeling like they’ve just been some excuse for a party. Sure, you can party but do it like it’s a wedding party and you’ll be hearing those appreciative accolades comments for years to come!

So where do we begin? This blog is your blog. There are sorts of etiquette books to tell you where the father of the bride sits but what about the rules that haven’t caught up with the times? What about the traditions and customs that haven’t been written yet? What issues are you trying to resolve in your wedding? Perhaps you’re still trying to decide IF you should be married, or civilly united, stay shacking up, or whatever. What’s the most pressing item on your mind this week? We’ll work together to find the traditions that apply, and to establish the proper customs where there are none – all without compromising your wedding.

Image Credits: Flypaper.bluefly.com, Zimbio.com