Two brides or two groom – whose name goes first?
When preparing wedding invitations or announcements, there are a myriad of books available giving the correct protocol for which names appear, and in what order on an invitation. Fortunately modern social etiquette does recognize the times and provides “rules” and standards for situations including divorced/remarried parents, the couple hosting the wedding themselves, and other non-traditional situations. These old stand-bys are applicable to same sex-couples because part of the purpose of the invitation is to inform your guests who’s hosting (a.k.a. honoring your commitment or, paying for) the ceremony.
But what about two grooms or two brides? Which name should be listed first on the invitation? Do we list them alphabetically, eldest first, “fem” then “butch” or “butch” then “fem”? This is an area where the etiquette books haven’t caught up with the reality of the times – yet. So what are we to do today?
Photo Credit: OutVite.com
Let’s go back to the first rule of planning your wedding. That rule is; make it your wedding. In other words, decide what you’re going to do and just do it. While there isn’t a wrong way, there are a few things to consider when deciding upon your way.
I’m thinking, the Butch/Fem placement (e.g. the traditional female role is listed first and the traditionally male role is listed second) is a very poor choice. Why do I feel so strongly about nixing this option? I say so because it perpetuates archaic stereotypes. Since many of your guests may be attending their first (and perhaps only) same-sex wedding in their lives, why feed the myths? In today’s society none of us (including heterosexual couples) gets the ease of saying “housekeeping is women’s work”, or should be allowed to think the “man” should mow the lawn and take out the trash.
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Relationships may be easier that way (well, at least assigning duties would be easier) but today, every couple has to create their own division of responsibilities. Notice I didn’t say “roles” because the thought process may linger on but this way of living died out after the fifties when two incomes were needed in order to make ends meet. It’s fine if one of you wants to do all of the housework and the other wants to do all of the yard work but, the two of you must share all of the responsibilities and decide how you want to do things. If one of you likes to do something the other hates to do – that’s pretty easy to decide who does it. What both of you like to do a task (or hate the task)? Then it should be shared (perhaps taking turns each week, doing it together every time, having the one who does it best do it, dividing the work by the amount of time it takes to complete, et cetera). This may seem to be off topic but what I’m trying to say is there isn’t a neat and tidy dividing line here. While social norms may not have caught up with the times, we should strive to move forward, rather than rest upon traditions that no longer fit the times nor our lives.
If “girl on the left and boy on the right” isn’t right then what about a rule that says the eldest is listed second (or first)? While this approach is very neat and tidy to apply, it discloses some personal information which may be considered to be private. Is it anyone’s business how old you are? If so, then tell them but to allow others to infer your fiancé’s age by reading a wedding invitation – isn’t the right way to share such information (even if you are willing to share the information).
Photo Credit: OutVite.com
Another neat and tidy way to decide whose name is listed first is the classic alphabetical order (by last name). This method is pretty straightforward – any observant individual can see the rank ordering of the names. Be aware though, that as easy as this is to see, some people are going to infer (either jokingly or unconsciously) this order denotes which role you two “play”. Until society can get past the stereotypical masculine and feminine roles in a relationship, we’ll have to acknowledge this may happen which leads us to the option I prefer for today’s same-sex weddings.
Remember the penultimate rule of your wedding planning – that is to make it your ceremony. In other words, just decide what you’re going to do and then just stick with it. At this time there isn’t a right or wrong way to list the names on a same-sex couple’s wedding invitation. Personally, I prefer the alphabetical order (by last name) method. My fiancé prefers alphabetical order – by first name. He truly feels this is the correct way. Perhaps it is because his name already appeared in the second position when he married a woman? It’s important to think what difference it makes to your wedding and your guests.
In short, until social practice dictates proper etiquette, the order of the names doesn’t matter much at all. And the way I see it, if I’m willing to compromise on the alphabetical order of our names, he’ll be more likely to compromise on something important to me. [But don’t tell him!]
Image Credits: OutVite.com
Walking Down the Aisle (or not)
Photo Credit: MGM MIRAGE
Wedding tradition dictates that the groom enters from the right and waits for the bride to walk down the aisle with her father. However, tradition is malleable. Etiquette changes to conform to social norms (but it does take a little time). This is why today it’s also acceptable for the groom to walk down the aisle and wait for the bride to follow.
Where do we turn when the rules of etiquette haven’t quite caught up with current social circumstances? Who walks down the aisle if we have two brides? If we have two grooms do they both enter from the right? How do we balance our guest’s expectations of tradition with the unique needs of our weddings?
Photo Credit: All My Children
Two Brides
Most guests expect to stand, turn, and see the bride enter and walk down the aisle. So why not give them what they’re looking for? It’s your day and there’s no better way to make an entrance than to do so when all eyes are upon you! First one, then the other. Pace your music so the second bride’s entrance doesn’t begin until the first bride is in position. This gives your guests a moment to regroup before they turn around for the second bride. If you’re going for traditional music, you might want to repeat “The Wedding March” clearly signaling a second entrance. If you have opted for some other musical selection, make sure it signals that the second bride is about to enter. If your music doesn’t lend itself to this treatment, then you may want to have someone simply announce the entrance of each bride. You want your guests to know when to turn and have their cameras ready!
If one if you is going to be escorted by your father (or mother, or both parents) and “given away” but the other is not, it makes sense the bride being escorted goes second (otherwise to whom is Dad “giving away” his daughter?) Here, I really must take a moment to editorialize. Since this tradition goes back to times when women were considered possessions, isn’t it time to be escorted – but not “given” away? This tradition, today, has come to signify the parent “letting go” of their child who is getting married. This may be a significant ritual, for both you and your parent, that you would like to include in the ceremony. I just ask that you consider the origins when titling this ritual as being either escorted or given away.
If both of you are being “given away,” or neither of you are then just decide what order you’re going down the aisle. Alphabetical order seems straight-forward enough. You could also start with the bride who will be standing on the left (since we read from left to right). Another good way to decide is to keep the order in which your names appeared on the wedding invitations. After all, you may have had your reasons for the sequence of the names on your invitation – let this decision carry through to the ceremony. Following the invitation’s sequence helps to build repetition and you never go wrong with consistency.
Since it’s your wedding and you should do it your way, if one of you wants to enter from the side and wait for the other to walk down the aisle, then do it! But, before you do, remember that walk down the aisle is your chance to shine like a star.
If you’re keeping with tradition … since you’re not yet “united”, you may not care for the last option which is to enter together and walk down the aisle together. However, if you do like that option – then make your wedding the way you want it to be.
Photo Credit: Duback/AP
Two Grooms
Entering from the right might be right for you if the groom standing to the left wants to walk down the aisle but the groom on the right does not. This is something your guests are accustomed to experiencing at other weddings.
If both of you really dislike the idea of walking down the aisle (it may seem too effeminate for your comfort) then enter from the sides. That’s right, just as one groom enters from the right, the other groom can enter from the left. You can enter simultaneously, or sequentially, whatever best fits the pacing of the music you’ve chosen for your processional. This keeps a symmetrical, and yet masculine, appearance. Make sure the music signals the entrance (or entrances). When we hear “The Wedding March”, most think “here comes the bride!” You don’t want your entrance(s) to be missed because your aunt was looking for a hanky in her purse. If a musical cue doesn’t fit your plans, you can simply have your names announced as you enter.
In my opinion, the best entrance is one that is as special as possible. Each of you can walk down the aisle. Grooms in traditional (mixed-sex) ceremonies do it all the time. So why not take turns being escorted by your parents (or father or mother)? Or walk with your Best Man. If you’re really confident, you can make that walk alone. Walking down the aisle gives you the best chance to be seen, and to see the faces of those who have come to see your wedding. It’s also one of the best photo ops for your guests.
Again, it’s your wedding and if you want to enter together and walk down the aisle together then do it your way. I just think the ceremony of uniting two individuals should start with individual entrances followed by a united exit together after the ceremony.
In conclusion (and in exiting)
No matter where each of you enters, you want your guests to know an entrance is being made. If they have to look around for you, they’ll find you as long as they know you’re coming. Music is the least intrusive way to notify your guests but an announcement is preferable to nothing.
Let’s remember the basic rule for weddings when social etiquette hasn’t established the standard – if the practice doesn’t detract from the purpose of the ceremony, and it feels right to both of you – then it’s the right way for your wedding.