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Q: I was invited to a wedding shower in which I gave a card and a $70.00 gift from the bride’s registry. My husband and I were also invited to the wedding. We went. We did not provide a gift at the wedding because we thought it was proper to give a gift at the wedding shower or provide a gift prior to the wedding. We did not think we needed to provide two gifts. Months later the bride found that she had gifts without cards. She called me to ask if we gave another gift so she could write a thank you. I told her that she already wrote us a thank you. She said yes but that was for the shower gift. At that point I told her that we did not give her another gift. She is the daughter of our neighbors, we hardly know her and we have been out of work for some time. Are we supposed to give her another gift for her wedding too?
A: You have been caught in an usual situation. A $70.00 shower gift for a neighbor’s daughter when you are in between jobs is very generous. Generally, if you are attending both the shower and the wedding, a less costly gift is given for the shower and a more lavish gift is given for the wedding. (Occasionally, if you do not attend the shower, you can skip the gift. Whether or not you attend the wedding, at least a token of your well wishes should be given.) But where does that leave you now? Since the shower gift was generous, I would recommend that you revisit the woman’s registry and pick something small to send. In the card, you should note that you gave the primary present at the shower and that this is just a little something in honor of their actual wedding. For future marriages, you should consider the number of events (showers, engagement parties, bachelorette parties as well as the actual wedding) and plan your budget and gift giving accordingly.
Jodi R. R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to email her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.
Etiquette Emergency: Gift Registry
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Q: My wife and I were married a month ago in Thailand while we were teaching there and did not have family or friends to celebrate with at that time. We have since returned to Canada where my wife’s parents have suggested a late reception. We will be leaving for Taiwan in 3 months and will be unable to carry with us the more traditional wedding gifts. Is there any way to inform guests of our situation on the invitation without sounding ungrateful, and would it be too rude to ask for money in lieu of gifts?
A: First, many congratulations on your recent marriage! As with registries, you need never include gift information on the invitation. As people respond to the invitation, they may inquire as to your gift preferences. It is at this point in the process when you would share your living/travel plans. I would strongly suggest that you register somewhere on-line where your guests can shop and have the items delivered to your residence in Taiwan. Savvy guests will realize that if they do not purchase something from your registry, that a monetary gift would be the next best item. Gifts that are non-transportable or impractical should be exchanged, returned, re-gifted, donated or stored – while still thanking the giver for their kind thoughts and wishes.
Jodi R. R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to email her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.